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Well, stupid question can be followed only by stupid answer.

I think I annoy people

I have noticed in recent years that my spontaneous and open "me" is extremely annoying to some people. Most often it's because they cannot understand how I can have the courage to say just what comes to my mind, how can I be always that happy, or how can I not care at all what other people around me think of what I'm doing.

I think it's particularly funny, as the thing which they don't know that most of the time I'm balancing between depression and normality, that I'm extremely critical and scared of doing something wrong, to the point that I get emotional breakdowns because of things that would be trivial to other people.

The people I annoy don't know that my behaviour is just a strategy of coping with my biggest problems, and it's the only strategy that works. That's why I won't change it:)

The best way to lose weight

For me the best way turned out to be: don't try to lose weight. Try to live healthy. And build awareness of your own body.

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Being worried tends to consume a lot of person's free time.

"Don't miss stupid people" 

Friend

What is logic

It is not the first time I thought of that, but I just wanted to put it down in words here. This also touches the subject of God, and the question I have been asked by a friend who claimed himself as changing from catholic to atheist: "If God claims that I have free will, and at the same time he knows my future and whether I am going to heaven to to hell, where is the free will? Doesn't it make it sound illogical? And why should I bother, if it is already known whether I will be saved or not?!".

I used to think about it from time to time later.

I also remember one day at a maths lecture the prof drew a coordinate system, then drew a point, and then he asked "If I draw a line now, the line is infinite, right? But does the fact that it is infinite mean that it will touch the point?", and then he drew the line next to the the point, in the way that it was not touching it. It immediately made me rethink my theory that I had back then: "if the universe is infinite, there must be aliens *somewhere*". As by analogy to the simple picture I just had in front of me, the universe being infinite does not have to imply that it contains anything that I am currently thinking of.

Another funny visualisation illustrating a similar thought goes like this: imagine a world of two dimensional creatures living on a plane. They know only two dimensions: width and length. Then imagine a cone moving through the plane. The creatures will see a circle or an oval, getting bigger and bigger (or smaller and smaller), which finally dissapears. They will not be able to explain what just happened.

What if God is something analogical to us looking at the two dimensional plane form a three dimensional world? What if what he sees is that "plane" of our lives, of the whole world, of the choices of the dynamics, he sees it in one single "moment", snapshot, as the time is also part of that plane. In this way he can "know" what is going to happen with every single soul, but also every being on Earth still has the choice. Well, that's just a hypothesis, and it is not so important whether it could be valid or not, or if God exists or not, but only trying to imagine such concept brings me to the somehow obvious conclusion:

The logic as we know it: the yes and no logic, has been developed together with the development of the human brain. It has developed on planet Earth. So, by evolution it developed in the way that allows us to survive here. It does not have to have anything to do with "how it really is". Our brains are designed to see this logic as the only one that is "logical", that "makes sense". But of course this feels like this to us, because this is how our brains are. Maybe it is logical to have free will and at the same time be doomed to be saved or not, maybe aliens if existed would not be material or visible to us, maybe the time is also a variable which can be manipulated, maybe everything we ever thought of the world and universe is just a very limited and subjective interpretation of it.

Cigarettes

As they give me hope. To feel the rush after inhaling for a few times. To be surprised that suddenly I see the world differently that I have a while ago. Is it false hope? Maybe hope is hope and this should count. I'm collecting every tiny bit of it.

What you see in TV

I was on the beach listening to young people speaking American English. And I had this thought, that in the end 99% of the movies I saw in my life were American movies. TV series, comedies, romantic comedies, what is played in TV, they are mostly American movies. They show the way that people there live, they show their culture, their way of speaking, their way of behaving..

..but for people from eastern Europe for example, those movies show nothing that is typical to them. Yet it is same in all the movies. I think that as being Polish, I have developed this model of a "movie" in my head, where movie means something artificial, where people behave in a certain (often weird) way, which has nothing to do with the reality.. and it has always felt to me that for some weird reason all the movies as shot in the same style, in the same convention.

But that is not true! They are shot in the same style not because of the "weird reason", but for the reason that this mimics the way of living of the people who made them! Such a discovery..

What follows this, it is so interesting to realise that a person coming from US may not have this "model of a movie" developed in their head at all. Therefore the notion of "a movie" may be totally different for different people, depending on where they come from. And people from one group probably never imagine that the other group can even exist.

The global impact of the past

What if my past determines the way I am, shapes the world that I see. And what if this "past" consists not only of the story of my life, but also the stories of the ones of my ancestors. All the conflicting thoughts that run through my head, the little hints of how it could easily feel different than it feels right now. Where do I know it from? Why do I have so much grief in me?

I'm not claiming that I'm connected magically with the people that lived here before me. But those people interacted with people who were my grandgrandparents, my grandgrandparents raised my grandparents, and my grandparents raised my parents, who in turn raised me. The world is wider than the frame of our words. What if memories and attitudes can also be passed, just like genes are? What if there's tremendously much more to it than people suspect nowadays?

For example, the war, it happened not that much time ago. My grandparents had traumatic experiences there. It's even hard for me to imagine what it could feel like, how hopeless nights they've been through. Yet still I am able to feel what may be an impact of this. The way I react inside to people passing me on the street, the way it feels when someone accuses me of something I'm not guilty of, the way I can't tolerate injustice, is it really coming only from social adaptation of human kind, or my cultural background? There are things deep in the back of my head which I can't explain by referring to the culture, my own history, also I cannot say that it's common things for everyone. But when my mom told me about the history of my grandparents, the ones I vaguely remember from when I was a child, then these things start making sense.

If I am right, then it's extremely important to know where you come from. To know the "context" of yourself. The modern culture of  separation of the individual is then bringing only bad. It's pushing us backwards on the evolution path..

or.. maybe it's just pushing us to a D-tour? With all the technological advancement we lost one factor of evolution which is geographical location. Maybe we are just adapting to the changed conditions. One thing is sure, they're not easy the times we live in.

Everything comes at its price

People's behaviors and thoughts are so much determined by the environment in which they are living, by the country they have been born in and in which they live, by the opinions of their friends and people staying in the close surroundings to them. By what they see in television and in the Internet. In the end a happy life does not differ much from a life of an animal - call it a hamster. Following the impulses, following the stereotypes, the schematic behaviors, people repeating what they have heard from other people, getting used to one place, doing what the others around are doing, not spending time on stressing out, on trying to change something, on thinking too much. Following the scenario.

I decided I do not want to live a hamster life. Even though everything comes at its price.

Though there are trips there are
Where we have been
Though never went
In my memory
Every invented second I remember
What difference does it make if ourselves were ever there
They mean as much to me.
TY